The Art of Starting Over

There was a time in her life when Devorah had wanted four children. Ideally, two boys and two girls—in that order—and no less. She’d loved having a big brother, someone to stand up for her and be her protector, even though she and Colt fought like cats and dogs at times. It didn’t matter if they were mad at each other or if he (in her opinion) had done something incredibly mean; he’d always have her back. He was the only one she allowed to torment her.

Until Chad came along.

During high school, Devy and Chad had had what every high schooler in love called the perfect romance. They never fought, at least nothing to cause a breakup over. They always laughed. They had the best time whenever they went out. He loved her and she him.

Chad would hold Devy’s hand everywhere they went, even when he was driving. At times, he acted possessively over Devorah, something Colt and Crow had an issue with and expressed many times. But Chad never said a thing if Devy wanted to hang out with her friends, and no one noticed that by the end of her senior year of high school, she only had Chad. Any girlfriends were long gone because she had constantly chosen him over everyone else.

By the time she realized what had happened, they were off to college. There, they hung out with Chad’s friends and their girlfriends. Those women became Devy’s friends, at least while they were still a couple.

When Chad and Devorah married, it was at the courthouse. Simple and easy, the way Chad wanted it. When they had Maren, Chad declared their family complete without even consulting Dev. She was heartbroken and yearned for another child. Begged him to reconsider, but he was adamant.

Now, as she helped Conor tie his cleats, made him stand, and did the thumb test to see where his big toe was, it hit her how manipulative Chad had been throughout their relationship. Devy never had a say in anything. Not about where they went out to dinner, where they lived, where they went to college, their marriage—nothing. He controlled every aspect of her life.

You should volunteer. So she did.

You should join the PTA. She did that as well.

You should . . . do this, that. Go here, go there.

“Why don’t you walk up and down the aisle. See how they feel,” she said to Conor as she fought the urge to cry. She cleared her throat, hoping to ease the ache she had there. Conor did as she suggested and even stutter-stepped, as if he were fielding a ball, or maybe he was trying to run.

“Thank you, Miss Devy,” Conor said as he wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a squeeze.

“You’re welcome. Why don’t you go show your dad.”

Conor nodded and headed toward Hayden. She watched his son and didn’t turn away until she heard Hayden greet him. As odd as it was, because she barely knew the boy, she felt comfortable about him. Proof to her that she was meant to be a mom of many, not only Maren. Chad had taken that away from her.

She then turned her attention to Maren, who had her cleats tied and ready for the thumb test.

“Are you sure about this?”

Maren nodded. “It’ll be fun, and Conor’s my only friend. Maybe Daddy will come to my games.”

Devorah ignored the reference to Chad doing anything involving Maren. “You know if you try out for the girls’ team, you can make some new friends.”

Maren shrugged. “The girls in class aren’t very nice.”

Devy crouched and pressed her thumb into the front of Maren’s shoe. “Okay, you walk now. Do the stuff Conor did, and make sure they feel good.”

Maren did and proclaimed they were perfect. She didn’t hug her mom or thank her, which bothered Dev. Chad would never thank his wife. Not for keeping the house spotless, not for having dinner on the table each night, not for dropping off and picking up his dry cleaning. Everything she did had been expected of her.

Dev packed up the shoes they weren’t going to get and headed toward the clothing section. The morning tryouts would be chilly, and Maren hadn’t packed all her clothes, and as far as Devy was concerned, Chad could buy his daughter some new things. The thought of going back to Chicago or asking Chad to send her clothes formed a pit in Dev’s stomach. She wasn’t ready and needed more time. To her knowledge, Chad had called only once to speak to Maren. He wasn’t calling Dev’s cell phone. She pulled it out of her pocket and glanced at her missed calls.

None.noveldrama

They needed to talk, but Devorah didn’t have the stomach to initiate anything. Walking away from your life because your husband wanted to live with his mistress was one thing. Taking the necessary step forward to end your marriage was another, and it was a move Devorah wasn’t sure how to navigate.

She looked through the racks of sweatshirts and came across one that matched the cleats Conor had chosen. She found his size and draped it over her arm, as if it was second nature to buy him things. She glanced down at it and smiled. It was odd to think that a sweatshirt for a little boy she barely knew would give her a sense of happiness.

Hayden and Conor came toward them, and she instantly held the sweatshirt against Conor’s chest, lining the shoulders up with the seam. “I think you need a large, especially if your uniform shirt is bulky.”

Devy didn’t ask Hayden if Conor could get it. The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind. She was in mother mode, and if Maren was getting a sweatshirt to match her cleats, then Conor needed one as well.

She turned back to the rack to find Conor a different size and to hide her smile as Hayden spoke to Maren about the glove he’d chosen for her. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched him with her daughter. He was gentle, guiding, and determined to make sure Maren’s hand was comfortable in the glove.

Another smile crept across her mouth when she heard Hayden tell Maren to just call him Hayden. No need for the “Mr.” stuff.

“Can you try this one on for me?” Devy handed Conor the sweatshirt, now in size large. She took his shoes from him and set them with Maren’s. Conor did as he was asked, messing up his hair when he pulled it over his head, which Devy promptly fixed.

“How does this feel?” She pulled, tugged, and yanked the shirt in places.

Conor made funny sounds and acted as if he were falling each time Devy moved the sweatshirt.

“You’re a funny guy, just like your dad,” Dev said. “Is it tight?”

“No, it’s perfect.”

Devy smiled.

“You should smile more,” Conor said. “You’re very pretty.”

She grinned again. “Thank you, Conor. I appreciate you saying so.”

The boy smiled brightly and then ran off toward his dad. Devy watched Hayden as he gave his attention equally to both his son and her daughter. It was weird to her how the four of them flowed. Even though she’d known Hayden most of her life, it was also as if she hadn’t. She had no idea what kind of food he liked or what his favorite color was, and she didn’t remember when his birthday was.

I want to know.

The thought gave her pause. She shook her head, clearing the tangled mess of those thoughts away, and headed toward the three of them.

“Look, Mom!” Maren tossed a baseball into the web of the mitt and closed it tightly. “It’s ready for tomorrow.”

“That’s great.” A thought occurred to her as she saw the excitement on Maren’s face. Had they already missed the sign-ups for the tryouts?

“Hayden.” Devy said his name to get his attention. “Did I have to sign Maren up beforehand?”

“No, we sign up at the park. It’s an open tryout.”

Devorah relaxed. At least she hadn’t messed that up.

“Are we all set?” Hayden asked. He looked at each of them. Dev and Maren nodded.

Conor spoke. “What about socks?”

Hayden put his hand on Conor’s shoulder. “I think the team will give you a pair. If not, we’ll come back once we know your team color.”

“Cool,” Conor said as he fist pumped the air.

As they made their way to the checkout, anxiety stirred in Devy’s stomach. She hadn’t used any of her joint credit or debit cards since she arrived back in Oyster Bay, and being as she hadn’t spoken to Chad about finances, she had no idea if the cards even worked. Sure, some of the money in their bank account was hers, but Chad never saw it that way. He was the breadwinner. The man who “brought home the bacon,” as he often said. Her referred to her earnings as a “pittance,” even though at times during the spring and summer, when estate sales were booming, she earned in the very high four digits. He’d always looked down on her job, calling it a “hobby.”

Hayden motioned for her to go first in the checkout. She set Maren’s stuff on the counter and pulled her wallet out. Her heart raced and her hand shook as she slipped the credit card from the holder. In hindsight, she should’ve said no to Hayden’s invite. She and Maren could’ve gone by themselves later and avoided any possible embarrassment.

The clerk rang the items in and read off the total. As casually as possible, Dev inserted her credit card, pressed the appropriate buttons when prompted, and waited. She saw the word just as the clerk told her the charge had been declined.

“Is the total right?” Hayden asked the clerk. “Did you get everything?”

“Uh, no?” The clerk added the other items and read off the new total while Devorah stood there, speechless.

Hayden stepped forward and removed Devy’s card. He looked at it, furrowed his brow, and shook his head. “This one expired months ago. I’ll call the bank and see why they didn’t send you a new one.” He pocketed the card and then handed Devorah his. “This one should work.”

Devorah eyed him as she worked to keep her emotions in check and the pending tears locked behind her eyes. She didn’t want to cry in front of him, the kids, or the young man behind the counter.

The transaction went through, and the clerk bagged everything in separate bags after Hayden said the kids wanted to carry their own stuff. With little traffic in the parking lot, the kids ran ahead of their parents to the truck.

“Thank you,” Devy said when Conor and Maren were out of earshot. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know I didn’t,” he said. “But I wasn’t going to let your husband embarrass you in front of your daughter.”

Devy wiped at an errant tear. “I can’t believe he did that.”

“Have you spoken to an attorney yet?”

Dev shook her head. “I guess I need to, but I should probably find a job first.”

“Same,” Hayden said, laughing. “I’m not sure what I want to do. The idea of starting a new job while Conor is acclimating doesn’t sit well with me.”

“Me too,” she said as they reached the truck. Hayden pressed the button on his fob, and the doors unlocked. Devorah smiled when Conor opened the back and waited for Maren to get in. Dev looked at Hayden. “You’re teaching him to be a gentleman.”

“As if there is any other way to be,” he said as he opened the passenger door for her. Once she was in, Hayden leaned to the side and asked, “Pizza?”

The kids cheered, which was good enough for Devy.

Hayden drove a few blocks to the nearest pizza place, which was fully equipped with arcade games that produced tickets. It was the kind of place where you walked in, got a black light stamp on your hand that matched your kids’ stamps, and then ordered your pizza before sitting down. But not before you had to buy tokens.

Without any hesitation, Hayden requested the largest token package available and then turned to Dev. “What do we want for pizza?”

“I like mushroom and sausage,” she told him.

“Me too.”

“Maren likes pineapple on her pizza.”

“Conor likes cheese.”

“How about we order half and half?”

Hayden shook his head. “Nah, let’s get them their own. Leftovers are the best part of getting pizza.”

Devorah placed an order for one large and two medium pizzas and unlimited refills at the soda fountain. With two very antsy kids, they found a table, and then Hayden worked to distribute the tokens into four piles. Two for them now and two for later.

With their token cups full, Conor and Maren ran off together, leaving their parents alone.

“When we get back to Crow’s, I’ll give you money for today.”

“You will not,” Hayden said. “It’s fine.”

“I’m appreciative, but I don’t want to owe you anything, Hayden. The last thing I need is for people to say I’m taking advantage of you.”

“People like Sapphire Fleming?”

Devorah rolled her eyes. “She had a crush on Chad back in high school. I bet she’s loving all of this.”

“I know this is easy for me to say, but who cares what she or anyone thinks? Shit happens. You can’t control what others do, but you sure as hell can control how these people make you feel.”

“It’s karma.”

“Why?”

“Because I wasn’t nice to them in high school. I was a stuck-up snob, daughter of the sheriff who never got into trouble for anything. The one who shunned her friends for a guy. No one in town owes me any grace.”

Hayden reached across the table and took Devy’s hand in his, his thumb brushing across her skin in a light caress. “Don’t let the people in Oyster Bay bully you into thinking you’re not deserving of compassion, Dev. Everyone is, regardless.”

Devorah liked the way Hayden’s strong hand engulfed hers, even if it made her feel like they were doing something they shouldn’t. When one of the staff came toward their table with their order, Devy pulled her hand away and then excused herself to find the kids.

She walked a bit and then looked over her shoulder. Hayden stared at her with a smile on his face. Devy smiled back. It was genuine, it felt good, and it gave her hope that she and Hayden could be friends.

Later that night, after Maren had gone to bed, Devorah told her father she was going for a walk.

“Take Cordelia with you.”

Devorah stared at her father and then looked at the dog, who wagged her tail in anticipation. “Why?”

“Because she needs it, and people are less likely to bother someone with a dog.”

“But she’s a puppy.”

Crow laughed. “Cordelia, show teeth.”

The dog obeyed and lifted her lips in a snarl.

“Good girl. Now give her a cookie.” Crow motioned to the jar on the sideboard. Dev did as she was told.

“What else can she do?”

“Probably anything you ask. Colt sent her to some fancy-pants training school, which is why I let her stay here and not down at the bar with him.”

“A bar is no place for a dog.”

“That’s what I told him when he brought her home.” Crow flipped through the channels until he landed on a baseball game. “Ugh, the Yankees.”

“I’ll be back. Maren’s sleeping,” she told her dad as she leashed Cordelia. They set out on their walk. Colt and Dev had wanted a dog growing up, but Crow wouldn’t let them have one. They were a busy family, and no one was ever home long enough to take care of an animal.

“You’re a good girl. Aren’t you?” Dev looked at Cordelia, who stayed right next to her leg. She didn’t pull on her leash or try to dart into traffic. “I hope you’re good for Maren—she needs someone or something.”

Cordelia looked up, as if she knew exactly what Devorah had said to her.

They walked toward downtown and then veered toward the water, headed for a bike path that ran along the beach. During the day, the views were impeccable. At night, she’d be able to see out over the harbor, the lights of the last boats coming in, or the strong orb of the lighthouse not far from them.

She used to run this path back in the day. She and Laila would jog to keep in shape after basketball season was over. There wasn’t a sport for them to cheer for during the spring, and Devorah needed to look her best for Pearl of the Ocean. She had never planned to enter the pageant, but it was a rite of passage for all high school girls in OB.

Devorah smiled at the people they passed, but mostly she kept her head down. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, even if it was small talk. When Cordelia stopped to relieve herself, Dev looked up and down the path, mindful of the people coming toward her. If her father had taught her anything, it was to know your surroundings.

They continued to walk, enjoying the cool, spring air. The night was calm, and she could barely hear the water sloshing against the rocks. Footsteps caught her attention before she saw who they belonged to. When she finally noticed, she swallowed hard and stood still.

Hayden ran toward her. His shirt was tucked into the back of his shorts, blowing in the breeze created by his stride.

“Shit,” she muttered when reality smacked her in the face—he was shirtless. “Shit, shit, shit.” She didn’t need this.

Wanted it, maybe.

But definitely didn’t need it.

In the few days she’d been back, Hayden had clouded her vision. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him, because she definitely had at one point in her life; it was that he confused her, and she wasn’t sure she could trust him or even herself where he was concerned.

Hayden McKenna had a vibe about him. Sexy and cool. Suave and sweet. He was easy on the eyes and hard on her thoughts. They’d been more than friends but never what she wanted them to be. Right now, friendship was the only thing she could afford with him.

He stopped in front of her, panting, and bent at his waist for a second before righting himself. He put his hands behind his head and attempted to smile at her.

His chest glistened. Sweat trailed down the contours of his muscles, around his nipples, and through the smattering of hair leading into his shorts. Devorah swallowed hard and looked at the ground, back to him, and at the ground again and then swore under her breath.

Cordelia whined.

“Hey, girl.” Hayden crouched and patted the dog, who lapped at him.

“Sorry, she can’t hold her licker.”

“I don’t mind. Conor wants a dog, but he has to wait.”

Hayden stood, his chest at Dev’s eye level. Teenage Devorah wanted to do naughty things to him. She blushed at the thought of touching him, like she had years ago.

“You good?”

She nodded. “Just out walking Cordelia. You?”

“Trying to burn off some pent-up energy.”

She could understand.

“How about I walk you back home?”

Was she done with her walk? She could be, but she also felt like she needed to be alone more. “I’m going to walk for a bit more,” she told him. “Thanks, though.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s a nice night.”

Gorgeous, half-naked Hayden stepped forward. He touched her hip with his fingers, sending a spark of desire and longing through her. He leaned down and brushed his lips right below her ear. “See you in the morning, Devorah.”

Hayden began jogging again, and Dev turned to watch him. Wishing all the same that she hadn’t. Why did he have to come into her life when it was such a mess?